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Miggybyte 9
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Miggybyte 9.adf
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MB_41.TXT
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MB_41.TXT
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1996-10-06
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4KB
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87 lines
A GOOD DEFENCE AGAINST OFFENCE
Laurie Simpson
FROM: The Government's Office for Finding Offence
TO: All law enforcement agencies.
It has come to the attention of this office that not everyone in the
state's various law enforcement agencies is exhibiting proper sensitivity
in dealing with the criminologically afflicted. To remedy this
situation, let us go over the rules again.
We all know that HANDICAPPED is offensive and thus is no longer correct,
and that the term is now PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED. So why is it that some
state buildings still have HANDICAPPED PARKING SPOTS? The proper term,
as has been explained many times, is VARIANT LOCOMOTION.
We seem to have particular problems with the Legally Exceptional Dept.
(formerly the Dept. of Criminal Justice). The terms convict and inmate
are no longer in usage. Instead, please use SPECIAL CITIZEN,
HORIZONTALLY STRIPED ASSOCIATE or EX-OFFICIO GOVERNMENTAL EMPLOYEE.
Remember that solitary confinement is now THE ONENESS ROOM.
Numerous court cases have resulted in a mandate requiring sensitivity
training classes for state EXECUTIONERS, or as they are now called,
RESPIRATORY ALTERATORS. To this end, the term needle is no longer
acceptable. It is a DERMA-SURFACE inserter. One thing more, POISON
henceforth is to be called ANTI-AGING STIMULANT. Also remember that
guards are PENOLOGY ATTENDANTS.
***********
As you know, we found the titles Policewoman and Policeman to be
offensive; and Constable hardly less so. It smacked of tradition,
Instead, State Proactive Response Team must be used by all employees,
Violators will be judicially challenged.
A few new changes that you should be aware of:
Murderer - TERMINATINGLY INCLINED
Arsonist - PYRO-STIMULATED
Strangler - MANUALLY COHESIVE
Embezzler - DOCUMENTATIONALLY INVOLVED
Pickpocket - INTER-GARMENTATIONALLY DEXTROUS
Parolee - INCARCERATED HABITANT EMERITUS
The Government's Office for Finding Offence finds the practice of
actually arresting anyone to be particularly offensive. But if it must
be done, it should be done with sensitivity.
Approach the alleged perpetrator and politely inform him of her/his legal
rights. If physical manipulation of external persuasive methods are in
evidence (such as guns, knives, tire tools or machetes) and you are
forced to exhibit cohesive constraints, at all times refrain from using
dehumanizing terminology. These include:
Drop it
Freeze
Come out with your hands up
Spread'em
Make my day
Such anti-social behaviour reflects badly on you and may cause anxiety
for the psychopathically driven.
***********************
In your All Points Bulletins, avoid racism, sexism, ageism, heightism or
weightism. Therefore, do not include in your wanted description race,
sex, age height or weight.
Giving out the fugitive's prior record exhibits an anachronistic
influence on your part. You may, however, reveal the person's name so
long as it does not reflect ETHNIC INSENSITIVITY. And the term "armed
and dangerous" has been changed to "COMBATIVELY PERSUADED."
One last reminder: The term politically correct has been made the
posteriorly expansive of so many jokes by the insensitively defiant that
we no longer use it. From now on, it is SOCIO-ECONOMICALLY
MULTICULTURALISTICALLY VIABLE LINGUISTICS.
Failure to use the proper terminology could result in your professional
out-focus or even residential restraint for up to five years.
END
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